I am confused, everyone. I am an extremely single 18 year old christian girl who loves the family and culture and community that she grew up in, and sees the truth and freedom that is being shared to the world through it. But I also think that the way people around me act, and how people on the internet in a similar culture act does not line up with the Bible, and I’m trying to figure out the truth by writing it down and sharing my thoughts. I want to dive into the Word and figure out how I should be viewing this extremely important topic in my own life, and I want to share some of the wrong views about this that I have had. Maybe you are feeling the same way, or others around you feel the same way, and hopefully we can learn together.

Marriage is great. We see it all throughout the Bible as something special and holy. Think Adam and Eve, Ruth and Boaz, Mary and Joseph, Priscilla and Aquila. They were all amazing couples, and God had a special plan and special work for them that they could have only accomplished together. Proverbs 18:22 says ‘whoever finds a wife finds a good thing,’ and there are lots of other verses about God’s design for what marriage should look like. And family is amazing- I grew up in a very stable and loving family of 7 kids and I can say that it was an amazing blessing, and my siblings are some of my best friends. God certainly knew what He was doing when He created it.

But here comes the problem. Christianity realises the beauty and sacredness of marriage, which is amazing, but it feels like many christians put so much emphasis on it. I’m talking introducing their children by their relationship status, girls constantly talking about their dream wedding, family always asking the older teen or young adult about who their special person is, christian guys looking at every christian girl as a potential wife, the view that a woman somehow isn’t complete without a husband and children, and yet a man somehow is- a wife is just an optional extra, like a cherry on top- all these things confuse and irk me.

And none of these things are necessarily bad, some are good even. But I know for me, as a young girl and then an older teenager in a conservative community looking at how marriage was treated, it made me want to run far away. It felt like people were saying, or not even saying but implying I wouldn’t be a whole person, and couldn’t be used by God if I was single, and assuming that that marriage was what me and every other girl wanted, but also that I couldn’t have a job or do anything ‘worthy’ if I was married. I felt like I had enough love in my life from my siblings, parents, friends and family, and that I didn’t need any random guy coming into my life and taking that all away from me. I wanted to have my identity as a daughter of the King, not Mrs so-and-so.

Basically, it felt like something scary that would shake my life, and that I should keep well away from, forever. And I shook my head in wonder as younger sisters and friends told me about how they wanted a husband and children when they grew up, and I was in complete disbelief when they told me that’s what their biggest dream was in life- no job, no nothing. I wanted to DO something, BE something, GO somewhere, and prove that I was strong and capable and didn’t need any guy. I leaned in to what Paul said about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35….

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—  and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Because it felt like no one else in my life was living that way. The young adults I knew either were in a relationship or wanted one, and I was so confused as to why. I felt like marriage would restrict who I was and what I could do, break friendships, and basically just be bad. I ignored the rest of the verses in the Bible about marriage, refused to believe it could be a gift, told myself that I just wanted to have my eyes fixed on God like Paul, and shut off part of my heart to love. I did not want to be like the trad wives who I saw on the internet who wore checked dresses and obeyed their husband without question. I did not want to wear skirts all day and never climb another tree in my life. I did not want my only concern in life to be my children and making sure they were clothed and fed. I wanted to HELP people.

And if you are reading this and you are a little bit wiser than I was, you might see where this is going. And I absolutely think that some people are called to be single and to help people across the world- Paul confirms it, and some incredible women did that, and many of them are my heroes- and I definitely could be, I don’t know. The problem is my feelings were rooted in pride and fear and confusion and a lack of self worth, rather than trust and joy. I didn’t realise that it’s no different helping your family and your children than it is helping strangers- and the people at your door could be hurting just as much as the people far away. I told people that God’s plan for their life would be the one that would bring them the most joy, but didn’t trust in that for myself. I didn’t trust God that He would have my WHOLE life in His hands, not just the impressive bits.

And I might sound like now, after all that, I have it all together and know what God is doing in my life- I do not. But I am realising my incorrect beliefs about Biblical relationships that I gained from observing the wrong people, and thinking my own thoughts, were not actually desiring to know what the Bible says about it- just choosing the verses I liked.

So if what Christian culture sometimes says about marriage and our identity as women isn’t quite right, and what I thought about it isn’t quite right either, then what is right?

First, let’s look at who you are in Christ, apart from any relationship. Because that’s what can be missing in some christian circles- marriage is looked at as something that will fulfil you, when it’s only Jesus that will do that.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?

Romans 8:35

You are loved by Jesus, and He loved you even when you didn’t deserve it. He loved you so much that He died for you, and He is the only person who can fulfil the longing in your heart- no relationship can cure your loneliness for your creator, for peace and salvation- so we have to be careful that we don’t look for this in a human, because humans will let us down. And Jesus will never let us down or let go, nothing can seperate us from His love. Is that not the kind of love that should be the most important in our lives?

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33

There are lots of idols we can hold in our lives- relationships, friendships, fear, goals, sports, family, addictions, pain, insecurity. I know I have had a lot over the years that God has quietly and gently shown me, and I’m sure I still have more now that He will show me in the future. I think relationships can be big sources of idols, for me it was subtly proving I didn’t need anyone and that I was strong and capable on my own, and for some it might be finding self worth in a relationship. No matter what it is, God promises that when we seek Him first, all the things we need and desire will be given to us.

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

This is my favourite part of my favourite Psalm, and it’s such a great reminder that we are all created beautifully and for a purpose, and that we don’t need to look for validation in another person because God created us and He does not make mistakes- not even little ones! And He looks at you every day and calls you his beautiful child.

Now, let’s look at some Bible verses about women, and what it really says about our worth. I love to go back to the classic Proverbs 31 and see what it has to say. This is a chapter that God challenged me with at the beginning of my journey to realising I was wrong about my views, and I pick up new things every time! It’s funny, because I knew the verses in theory, but had never bothered to actually dig deep to see what they meant. This translation uses the word wife, but the Hebrew word Ishshah can be used meaning woman or wife, so I think it’s fair to say that a lot of these verses apply to single women too.

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10

So being a noble wife, or a woman, isn’t second class or inferior, but incredibly rare, precious and beautiful, even more than jewels, and a gift to human kind

She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

Proverbs 31: 13-19

I’ve heard some christians say that a married woman can’t or shouldn’t work- and I’m not saying that a man’s role is not one of a provider, and a woman’s is often the nurturer, but I would say these verses really blows the myth that women can’t work at all out of the park! And it’s not that she is just working in her own house- she’s trading and buying a vineyard! If that’s not her own small business I don’t know what is. I mean I could be wrong, but how come we don’t hear about this in conservative christian culture? I love how it says that her arms are strong for her tasks. Women aren’t weak, everyone!

Proverbs 31: 25-29

Strength and dignity- those are two things that I hope to be clothed in, np matter my relationship status or achievements in life or looks or income. And I can just imagine laughing without fear of the future, with pure joy and freedom, knowing that no matter what, God is in control. That sounds like a beautiful gift to the world.

Wisdom- something that God gives us when we ask for it. Something that is precious and much more important than a high IQ (good news for me…). She sounds like she has a close relationship with God, and that overflows to help those around her.

He husband and children call her blessed- that sounds pretty cool to be honest. I never thought I would say that, but it goes to show how much work God has done in me. But to be called blessed by the people you love the most- how amazing! And he doesn’t just praise her as a pretty object that he likes. He tells her that the work she is doing is amazing and worthy of respect, just as much as any other work is, or even more.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

Yes, it’s official- women and wives aren’t just here to look pretty, but to honour God in all we do. I don’t know about you, but that sounds both challenging and freeing!

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”  Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.  Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
    because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:18-24

So we’ve looked at the amazing qualities of a woman and of a wife, now here is the creation of woman, and the first marriage. I honestly found it pretty weird until I looked deeper into it. I think I lot of people in some christian cultures really emphasise the “helper” part- that a woman is a helper to men, and that makes her a second class citizen, or even that she is just there to give him a hand with whatever, and to do whatever he needs, and that’s something that made me want to run for the hills (mostly because of pride, to be honest). But the original Hebrew word for helper is Ezer, which is associated with a powerful and vital role, protection, and rescue. And get this girls- it’s the word God uses when He describes how he helps Israel. That is not a second grade role! That’s an amazing one that God, the creator of the universe, did for His chosen people, and does for us today.

I heard someone say once that woman was not taken from man’s feet to be trampled on, or his head to rule over him, but from his rib, close to his heart, to be held close and loved. That definitely touched my hard heart made me realise that love is a good thing.

Because that’s what it all comes down to in the end- love. When you love someone, you want to be around them, to help and support them. I have seen it in Christ centred relationships around me, and I’ve seen it in myself when it comes to my friends, my siblings and my parents. I would give up a lot for my beautiful siblings and count it joy, and I think that’s how it is for romantic love too. 1 Corinthians 13 says “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres, love never ever fails.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me. And if God says that’s what love should look like, I’m willing to trust Him that it’s good.

So to sum that ramble up, marriage is good, but it’s not everything, and shouldn’t be treated as such. Your identity as a daughter of the King is more important than being someone’s wife, but it can also be a beautiful thing that you don’t need to be afraid of. It won’t take away your life, it will change it, and single or married, God will use you. Marriage is God’s design for life, and because of that, it is good and lovely and special, and is not something that will take away your joy, but something that will add to it. You don’t need to worry if it will happen or won’t happen, God know’s the desires of your heart (He created it, after all) so you don’t have to stress about what is next in life, because God has got you.

I think that’s mostly it, my head feels less confused now <3

~Hannah xoxo